I haven't posted in a while. I just wrote a comment to a friend and now I think I am all written out. I have been sad all day. I guess I have been letting things get to me.

Here are the issues. I think they somehow tangle in with each other.

• I can't seem to pass my review which means I cannot graduate from the art institute.
• I teach at a preschool and I really love teaching. I really want to teach either art or elementary education.
Regardless of how to go about doing this. I need my degree.
• Sallie Mae is in forbearance. They wanted me to pay $1600 a month. I don't even make that much a month. I
need to consolidate my loans so I can pay them back in 30 years, pay based on income, and lower the interest
rate.


So here is my solution. Since it is my winter break and I should be taking a break instead of working. I worked every other day. (Yesterday I cleaned the pantry and found that a family of ants moved into the pantry and was nice and tidy with the food.) Thursday and Friday I am just going to draw and paint for me, not for a review, not for another painting to help me graduate. For me. I think I will paint my roommates cat and draw whatever I want.

And then on Saturday and Sunday (with Max by my side) I will tackle this issues. First I will need to email every professor and have them give me an in-depth review of my paintings and what is acceptable to graduate and pass the review. Then I will look at the government consolidation form and attempt to figure it out. And third I would like to check out GMU by actually going to to campus sometime next week and talking to a real live person. I figure that if the art institute is making it impossible to graduate then maybe I should change tactics and try to graduate from GMU instead. (Only problem, my classes won't all transfer.)

Current Mood: gloomy

I was watching charmed and they had a book of evil spells called the grimmare. Wicked has the grimmerie. I wonder when the word was first used, and were it was deprived because both books are essentially the same thing.

Maybe I have done the same thing again. I bought all these presents for people, but I wonder why I feel the need to go out of my way to give presents even when I think I won't get as much or that they'll be like this is too much. When I lived in Chesapeake, my aunt told me I was doing things for other people because I wanted to be accepted and loved.

I feel like I am breaking down, like I have spread thin like too little butter on toast. I feel I need a clone, one to do work (school related) while the other one works at my job. I just don't have time. As it is I have to stay up tonight to print pictures, wrap presents... I am not going to continue. I don't know why I keep on adding things that probably could wait. It seems like I have unneeded anaxity. And it doesn't help that my grades were a B and a C+, when I worked so hard on my projects. I guess I feel like a failure, which just gets worse everytime I try to do work. Maybe that is just it, I am too stressed out. I just once, for once that I can have one day without worry.

And Max isn't coming with me to NY, he can't even say good bye. He is working so much next week that this weekend will be the last weekend that I will see him until I return, and I am not leaving until next Saturday, so that is two-three weeks.

I also have no energy, or passion. Art used to be fun, but it is now just stuff I have to do, and it is not like you can work on it and it will be done, it has to be perfect- line, composition, color, lighting, figure, ect. It is just too much, it is overwhelming.

Maybe I am whining, maybe I shouldn't be complaining, maybe I should just do it and get it done with. I feel like this is an outward manifestation of inner battles.

Maybe I am depressed, but I guess it would be anxiety related. I have to look up health insurance so I can actually go to the doctor.

And despite all of this, I know that once I am over this hill, I will be able to jump to my ultimate goal of becoming an art teacher. I just have to jump that mountain, that is all.

I tried posting a journal earlier, but I failed to send it.

I still have work to do. I spent almost 30 dollars on printing, and I still have work to do. Each one of my six illustrations need work in some spot or another and all of the drawings that I did, I need to fix the poses of the characters. I can draw from life, but if you ask me to put a form on an imaginery plane, I have so much trouble with anatomy and pose.

Right now I am just drawing random, yet well picked, poses of pirates that I could use in my story.

This school is going to kill my spirats. I already feel that I lost my passion, but I get stressed out while working- if I am not keeping on schedule, if I feel that I can't draw,ect, and then I get annoyed and perturbed, my self-confidence in my ability lowers, and so forth.

I am glad that I decided to become an art teacher, but first I have to pass over this hurtle at this school. Okay, just 7 more months... I can do it.

I have decided to try a diet that Janet- Max's mom's friend- uses. It is like the atkinsin's diet so I have to not eat sugar or carbs for two weeks and then I have to moderate what I eat afterward. I really want to lose weight so I am trying it.

She said she lost eight pounds in two weeks. I don't know if I can yeild similar results, but at least it is worth a try to diet, exercise and make myself healthier.

I am really tired. Last night I got 2 hours of sleep. Annette (whom I worked with at the preschool) asked me to help her with some posters and other graphics to promote her company. Although she said it would only take a couple hours, I spent 6 hours at her business and didn't go to bed until 4:30am. I got up at seven.

Not only did I not sleep much last night, but the night before I got only 3 to 4 hours because of homework. To make matters worse, 8 hours of the work that I did (on my own work), I lost due to a program crashing. When I went to open the file a few hours later, it was corrupted, so all of the colorguard girls that I painted have to be repainted.

I am just tired. I feel like I have no enengy, and I have to watch Nick today.

I feel alone. I think I am depressed again. I have tried so hard to stop being depressed. I thought I was happy. Could it be possible that I was never happy, that I was seeing the world through happy illusions?

I really can't figure out what family to leave. I like them both. How do I decide? Is it possible to decide? No one wants to hear about it anymore. It is old news. Make up your mind already. I told you what to do, so do it already. But I can't. I am frozen here, stuck on what seems like a frozen lake. I feel that if I move, I will sink. I don't really have any friends. I mean I have Crystal, Danielle, Sheila, Molly, and Maria, but I barely ever talk to them and they live so far away. I wish I had a friend here. I wish I could be happy.

Sadly enough, I don't think that the working too much card is the real reason. Sure it is a benefactor to the fact that my work is slumping. I got all C's. The professors are grading harder. What was a A a year ago is now a C, but i have this thing about C's. The perfectionism hits in.

Why do we do this to ourselves. Why do we pressure ourselves into doing better, into being better than another, into having money more than the next guy. it is all about being better, working harder, getting richer. why can't it be simple. why can't it be simple.

Did she say love was a choice. Did I not believe her. Sure I have a connection with Max, but in all it is my choice in whether I stay with Max. Nothing is wrong between us it is just that when I get depressed I think that I deserve to be miserable. I want to sink in my hole, in the dark, and cry alone. I don't want company and I don't want anyone to pull me out. I want to be left alone. I am truly depressed. I have my magazine and I can't read it. I want to compose a song and I can't. It is like I am punishing myself. And I am gaining weight and I can't figure out why. I really haven't been eating all that bad. I just can't figure it out.

I just called Maria, but she is not there. I have thought about calling crystal, but I don't know her schedule, but who would want to listen to my pity story. who would care, it is old news and it is always the same thing. i have problems, I know them, but I won't change them. maybe i do need a pyscologist.

I want to keep writing until it all comes out. I will write more in another entry.

Current Mood: depressed

It doesn't feel like three weeks. it feels like months and months ago since I last posted. Maybe i am losing it.

I feel like a basket case, like I am at war with myself. There is so much that I could have done. I could have been a writer. I could have gone into music as a composer. I would have liked these fields. I could have been a fine artist. I should have tried to become a teacher rather than specialize in commercial art. It is fixable. I can get my masters in Art Teaching. I am going to meet the advisor tomorrow. I should dress up, but my clothes are all tight. I feel depressed. I wonder what has happened to me. Where is that spark that I once had, the passion. I feel it has disappeared.

In addition, I have become a perfectionist so much that I think it is blocking my progress. If I would just let go, it would all be fine. But still I am holding the sand too tight in my hand. It keeps falling, falling. It becomes out of reach and I struggle for control. I feel that I am not in control anymore. My stress increases. Anxiety take over. This is not the life for me.

For a few terms now I have been struggling about what I will do for my future. I am at the library now writing. I was looking for books on pirates, but I felt I needed to write first. I want to compose a song about time and its effect on people. It is make believe yet it dictates our society. Halloween wasn’t even fun. I thought I am not happy. I am not having fun. I don’t have time for fun.

So I have been thinking about my future and it has been decided that I should become an art teacher. It seems like a good fit. I will be able to focus on fine arts like painting, not photoshop, but real oils, watercolours, and acrylics. I will be able to work on my writing skills and maybe actually have time to write short stories and eventually novels. This is one piece of stream of consciousness. One run on, one fragments, or several fragments. But I don’t care right now, I want to get out what is in my head. I need to. I need release, and this journal is for me, not you.

My professors say I need more time, that I should leave a job, that I am too attached. I watch two families, and I am stressed because I do need more time. I am considering leaving one, but I don’t know how. I am in love with the kids and the family. I like my jobs. I am saving money. I could just risk it, and leave both by January and live off my money that I have saved up.

I am tired all the time, stressed. I am working around the clock. How do I fix this problem? I need to graduate to get the masters. I am doing my best but it just isn’t good enough. I feel like I am whining. I think I am going to compose that song later on today. Plus I need to fix up my portfolio. I failed my mid profolio review. What if I fail the next one. Brooks college sucks. I got transferred classes and now I am paying for it. The standards here are higher. I guess I just need to go forward with my life, and be an adult and just do what is required of me. Life is not supposed to be easy. I know this, now I just have to apply it on myself.

I feel like crap. My throat still hurts. I was working on my senior project. I have to complete 6 concept illustrations colored with detail, character and scene in five weeks. I have to find time to do laudry before tomorrow 7 am. I can't go to the post office because I don't have time to. i need to buy a birthday card for cory, a gift, but I don't have time to go to the store. I still have work to do on my project. I have to work all day tomorrow and then go to the party. And I am going to have to bring all of my bags with me to his party so i can go to Max's afterward. Why can't he just pick up my stuff beforehand. It would be easier. well, i am in a bad mood, so i am going to go. it bothers me that i can't talk to max, he is not answering his phone.

I had a dream last night that a gun man (was it a girl?) was trying to kill anyone that she seen. I think it was a girl. There was a bunch of girls. One was in a stroller. The other girls picked her up and brought her in. Everyone else was scattering inside. But this one black guy and his son were out. He told his son to run but he gets captured by the gun woman. She tells him something about being thick? the gun is to his temple and shots. He falls. Suddenly he is in a deserted area with a fence. his son is lying down. he falls. blood all over. tries to talk to son, tries to hug him, but son flinches. i woke up after that.

Now what the hell could this mean?

Why am i am having dreams about gunmen and women and I wasn't really even in this dream. I was just watching.

I am still sick and am up to do more homework.

School started again.  I am working a lot.  I have to work on my portfolio and I need to work on my senior projects.  I decided to do concept illustrations since I always liked painting, illustration, and seem to have a creative mind.  I have been sick for about 1.5 weeks with a sore throat, ear aches, and headaches.  Last Friday I actually lost my voice.  I'll write more later.